type
status
date
Nov 20, 2023 08:43 AM
slug
summary
tags
category
icon
password
I mentioned this personal website in my resume application. If anyone actually clicks through, they might be interested in reading my self-introduction. It reveals aspects of me that go beyond what's shaped by the educational system and school rankings - it's how I see myself. Wow, this might be another form of personal statement, huh? Though, maybe I'm the only one who will ever click it, hahaha.
How should I describe myself? It’s tough to articulate. Maybe these words are an opportunity for me to truly ponder, 'Who am I?'
I was born in a nationally recognized impoverished county. After entering university, a term became popular – 'small-town exam warrior.小镇做题家' It seemed tailor-made for me, a student from a small town, skilled only in taking exams, who made it to a prestigious 985 university through the national college entrance examination. Yes, this definition is not wrong. Strictly speaking, I was only good at taking exams, but life shouldn’t just be about that.
The evaluation system in medical school was limited to papers, grades, and perhaps English proficiency. Caught up in this environment, especially with the strict COVID lockdowns, I can say that my four years in university were not happy. Last year, I spent the entire time grappling with anxiety, depression, and severe self-doubt. Coupled with occasional news of student suicides, and seeing ambulances parked downstairs, I decided to give up the opportunity to pursue a combined bachelor's and master's degree and leave the medical school. I felt deeply that if I continued on this path, I might be the next to succumb. But I wanted to live, so I began what you might call a self-rescue attempt. I refused to conform to their evaluation system anymore. GPA should never be the standard to judge a person. After meeting more people, I realized that many so-called 'poor' students were actually exceptional in my eyes. They were brave in exploring themselves, trying different things regardless of success or failure, with strong execution skills and their own thoughts. Many 'excellent' students from prestigious schools seemed like products of a template, with identical high grades, similar competition awards, volunteer activities, and an endless drive for progress, always aiming for better schools, to contribute more to research through PhDs. But is that what they really like? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know anymore.
I was tired of being this so-called excellent student, tired of being a 'small-town exam warrior.' Such meaningless competition wasn’t what I liked. So, I started trying other things: participating in clubs, which was one of the most meaningful activities in college for me, as I helped classmates with resumes and organized seminars. Learning English, becoming a language exchange partner, writing letters to people from different countries. I still have many pen pals to this day. Learning French, I found that I quite like learning languages, enjoying the gradual progress that opens the door to another world, understanding another country's culture and customs. Reading books, regularly visiting a beautiful bookstore to spend an afternoon reading, noting my thoughts after each book, especially on feminism. Gradually, I've come to realize that one of my life goals is to contribute to gender equality. This has truly become one of my life's dreams. Running, when unsure what to do, is great! Just running laps on the track helps calm my mind. Exploring the city's cuisine, often dining out with friends. I really need social interaction, and food and friends bring me many happy moments. Starting a podcast with a friend, discovering our surprising similarities, learning editing, and how to express my views better. The process of creation itself is wonderful. Learning programming, creating a personal website, which, to my surprise, has had over 2000 visitors to date. I never thought anyone would read it, and I even found out someone subscribed to my Newsletter. Maybe I really am cut out to be an influencer, regularly recording my life and reflections.
In short, these activities might seem futile in a utilitarian sense, but it was through them that I gradually recovered. My mindset has improved a lot. I like who I am at this moment because I see endless possibilities in my future, with so many dreams and goals yet to fulfill. I’m not as anxious anymore, nor do I see myself as a complete failure. On the contrary, I think I’m great. I have clear learning goals, destinations I want to visit, and my own life goals. I want to be a feminist, making progress every day in things I enjoy, creating audio and written content weekly, and there are people who want to hear my ramblings. If I keep writing, I’ll feel incredibly accomplished.
Oh, and one more thing I need to add: my rejection of being the so-called excellent student doesn’t mean I want to completely disregard my studies or lie down and do nothing.
On the contrary, I am very willing to learn and enjoy the happiness and satisfaction that learning brings to me. I just don’t want to study solely for the sake of grades. I hope to have more time not just invested in learning but also to explore other areas, like podcasting, writing, creating videos, reading leisurely, exercising, or trying jobs completely unrelated to my major, maybe even developing some sales skills?
Let me talk more about why I want to learn more languages and tech. Firstly, English has reshaped me in a way, broadening my access to information. Without hearing those real exploration stories, seeing different landscapes and beautiful food, would I have chosen to leave the safe path to explore? I definitely wouldn’t have. More English movies and books, particularly about feminism, led me to wonder, 'What is my life goal?' This naturally brought me to the thought of contributing to gender equality. As a woman, there are far too many discriminated, ignored, and abused women in this land, and I don’t want such things to continue. Secondly, tech has given me so much. I can say that my English is entirely self-taught through the internet. Without tech, I couldn’t afford the expensive English tutoring fees. English is one of the costliest educational resources. Later, website creation, learning basic programming, and editing - all these were possible through free online resources. Without tech, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Tech, especially for a person from an ordinary family like me, has been greatly beneficial. So, I want to continue learning it, to promote my thoughts, my learning resources through tech, and I also believe that tech can help the disadvantaged, as it has helped me.
I guess that's the end of it. I went from a quintessential small-town exam warrior, to an anxious and self-doubting loser, to maybe a failure in the conventional sense? But now, I’m someone who’s peaceful and constantly exploring. I really like a perspective from a speech and a book. I’ll end with them: I am someone who maintains a vibrant self-imagination and explores my own possibilities. I am ready to face life’s fortunes and misfortunes, to fight against storms, and not to envy anyone, even amidst the sound of sinking ships. Leave Eden, Lilith!"
因为申请时简历时也提到了这个个人网站 如果真的有人点进来 或许可以看看我写的自我介绍 指cv里没有的或许说抛开一切教育体制下所谓的学校排名下塑造的我 我眼中的我 哇哦这或许是另一种个人陈述？ 虽然可能只有我点进来hhhhhhh
我该如何来描述我呢？啊这真是很难讲，对于我来说很难去描述我自己，或许这些文字也是一个机会让我真正去想想那么我是谁呢。
我出生于国家级贫困县，大学后有一个词突然火了，叫做小镇做题家，这个词彷佛是为我量身定制，只懂得做题的来自小镇的学生，凭着高考来到所谓的985大学开启了新的生活。是的这样的定义完全没有错，严格意义上我确实只会做题，只会考试，只会应试，但人生不该是这样的。
而医学院的评价体系只有论文和成绩或许再多一个英语这几个选项罢了，身处其中我也被这样的氛围席卷着，加之covid的严格封控，我可以讲我在大学这四年过得并不开心，去年一整年的时间我都处于焦虑抑郁与严重的自我否定中，加上学校时不时学生自杀的消息，目睹救护车就停在楼下的时刻，我终于决定放弃本硕连读的机会，离开医学院，我那时深深的感觉便是如果我继续这样下去，下一个自杀的就是我。但我想活着，所以开始所谓的尝试自救，我不想去迎合它们的评价体系了，Gpa从来就不应该是评价一个人的标准，开始去认识更多人后发现很多所谓的成绩不好的学生在我眼里其实她们非常优秀，勇敢地去探索自己，尝试不同的事情无论成功与否，执行力强，有自己的想法，而我认识的很多所谓的优秀的来自名校的同学，好像模板化生产出来的一样，一样的满绩，一样的各种竞赛奖项，一样的各种志愿活动，永远地上进，每个人都要去更好的学校，去读phd更多地为科研做贡献，真的是喜欢的吗，我不知道，我也不想去了解了。
我不想继续做这样所谓的优秀的学生了，我受够小镇做题家的自己了，那样无意义的根本不是自己喜欢的内卷我不要继续了。所以我去尝试做别的事情了，去做做社团，其实对于我来说是大学里最有意义的事情之一吧，因为我帮同学看简历，组织一些讲座活动，是可以真正帮助到同学的。去学英语，做语言交换伙伴，给不同国家的人写信，时至今日我还有很多笔友。去学法语，我发现自己还蛮喜欢学语言的，很喜欢这样每天点滴的进步最后可以打开另一个世界的门，去了解另一个国家的风土人情。去读书，开始规律看书，文学相关的，心理学相关的，来者不拒，每周去一家很漂亮的书店呆一下午看书，开始记录下看完每本书的感受，看更多关于女权主义的书，渐渐的我可能就确定了我的人生目标之一就是为性别平等贡献自己的力量。这真的是我的人生梦想之一了。去跑步，如果不知道做什么，那就去跑步吧！运动真的很好，什么都不想在操场跑了一圈又一圈，心情也渐渐平静下来了。去探索这座城市的美食，经常和朋友聚餐交流，我真的蛮需要社交的，美食和朋友给了我很多快乐的时刻。去做播客，和一个朋友的偶然交谈发现我们惊人的相似性，于是我提出我们一起创造些什么吧，于是有了我们的播客，学习剪辑，学习怎么更好地表达自己的观点与看法，学着头脑风暴更多我们既感兴趣又有意思的话题，创造的过程本身就是美妙的。去学着编程相关的东西，做一个自己的个人网站，没想到直至今日访客已经2000+了，我以为根本没人看，刚还发现了竟然还有人订阅我的Newsletter，天我真的是做influencer的料吧，规律记录自己的生活和及时的reflection。
嗯大概就是这些，功利上讲上述活动对于我来说一点用都没有，都是些毫无意义的活动，可是就是这样我才慢慢恢复，心态真的好了很多很多，我喜欢此时此刻的我，因为觉得未来对于我来讲就是无限可能的，我还要太多太多想做的，未完成的梦想与目标。我不那么焦虑了，我也不会否定自己觉得自己彻头彻尾的失败，相反我觉得自己真的很棒，我有清晰的学习目标，有想去的目的地，有自己的人生目标，要做femenist,每天都在为喜欢的事情一点点进步，每周都会创造自己的东西，音频与文字，而且还有人愿意听我的胡思乱想，再写下去，我会感觉自己超超牛了。啊还有一点我需要补充，我不想成为所谓的优秀学生，并不代表我要完全不在乎，我要彻底躺平，相反我非常愿意学习知识，我也很享受学习带给我的快乐与满足感，我只是不想为了追求成绩而学习，以及我希望有更多的时间不是投入在学习，我需要分一些时间去探索其他领域，比如做播客，比如去写作创造等等，比如做视频，比如看闲书，比如运动，比如尝试和专业完全不相干的工作，锻炼一下销售技能？
再讲讲我为什么想多学习语言与tech相关。首先英语在某种程度上塑造了全新的我，接受了更广阔的信息，如果没有听见那一个个真实的探索故事，看见不同的风景和美好的食物，我会选择了放弃安稳的选项，冒险去探索吗？我一定不会的。更多的英文影视作品和书籍，尤其是关于女权主义，直接导致我有天想到那么我的人生目标是什么呢？于是自然而然地想到了我要为性别平等做出贡献，我是女性，在这片土地上有太多太多被歧视，被忽视，被虐待的女性了，我不想这样的事情继续下去了。其次是tech，互联网给了我太多太多了，可以说我的英语完全是依照互联网自学的，如果没有Tech，我没有钱支付高昂的英语补习费用，英语是最贵的教育资源了，直到后来的做网站，学习简单的编程，学剪辑各种都是互联网的免费资源，没有tech就没有今天的我，对于tech起码对于普通家庭的我真的受益良多，所以我想继续学习它，也想继续通过tech promote自己的所思所想和学习干货，而且我也相信tech对于弱势群体是有帮助的，起码它帮助了并不富裕的我去免费探索各种学习领域。
我想这就是结束了吧，我曾经是不折不扣的只会应试的小镇做题家，到无比焦虑和自我否定的loser，到现在或许也是世俗意义上的失败者？hhh但心态平和，不断探索的我。我很喜欢一个演讲中的观点和一本书，就用它们做结尾吧 我是保持一份旺盛的自我想象和探索自我可能性的我 去承担人间的祸福，去跟暴风雨搏斗，在沉舟的碎裂声中也毫不羡慕。离开伊甸园吧，莉莉丝！
- 作者:lyc
- 链接:https://lycsplanet.com/article/040f24d8-57b7-483b-96c1-9da6e32428c2
- 声明:本文采用 CC BY-NC-SA 4.0 许可协议，转载请注明出处。